Vitamina D - recipe for innovation: Luciana Littizzetto at TEDxMilanoWomen
Translator: Valentina BudaReviewer: Helena Bedalli
There's an even larger stage thanAriston's, how cool!
Well, I'm the first one to speak,
so I have to break the ice.
I'm glad to see that there are many women
and men, as well.
I'd like to tell you who I am.
I'm a woman,though it doesn't seem that I am,
and I'm glad to be a woman.
Just a few times I'd like to be a man,
to appreciate myself and say:"Hi, beautiful chick"
or to ask me: "What will you do tonight, will you go out? What will you do?"
"No, I'll be at home,I'm going to peel peppers".
Get this satisfaction and say:"No, I stay home,
purging the pigeons,so I'll wake up tomorrow morning
and it will seem like it has snowed".
No, I'm happy to be a woman,
I've never had penis envy.
Nostalgia, sometimes.Yes, nostalgia sometimes
but not envy, never.
(Applause)
It's a nice item, for godness sake!It's funny when he wants to.
Then it is changeable, like the sky of Ireland:
sometimes it is sluggish likecoffee grounds,
sometimes it is knotty like alpine poles,
sometimes it is sad,like Mogol without Battisti,
and sometimes it is really proud,like the last of the Mohicans.
But I don't care at all.
Then, I don't like when they say:
"How good you are,you're really a woman with balls".
Well, I really don't like that stuff.
I just don't like a woman with balls,
because I have my boobs andthey're definitely enough.
Moreover, they are two as well,so there is no problem.
Indeed, I don't know how Merkelor Camusso manage to handle it,
they probably have a six-bowls casedown there.
We have boobs,we don't have the hammer,
and we also have a smaller brainthan men, did you know?
Men have it bigger - the brain -so they think they're smarter.
Well... No.Things have gone like this:
when the creator madethe man and the woman,
he gave them the sameamount of brain,
but while the woman used to come and go,
drink at springs, dodge dinosaurs,
shelter in caves and eat berries,the man did anything of this.
The man was a nitwit, he clung
to the balls of mammoth,he bumped against the lower branches,
he ate snakes from their tail,
and instead of putting berriesinto his mouth,
he put them into his rectum,thinking he was a slot machine.
So the creator said:well, let me add
more brain and so he gave the mana little more.
At a certain point a storm broke,
and while the woman was shelteringinside the cave,
the man went out and said:"Wow! It's New Year's Eve!"
So the creator figured outthat he couldn't really add more brain.
He had to make himself comfortablewith what there used to be,
or he should have given the mana long head, like Homer Simpson.
And that's why the man has more brain.
No, I'm glad to be a woman,
to be a show woman,
because there are alsovery positive female models
in the showbiz.
There is Chiabotto who drinks "waterthat eliminates water"
and makes a lot of "plin plin".
Marcuzzi, who eats bifidus,
recovers "her natural regularity"and makes a lot of plon plon.
Let's hope that they will neverdo the commercial together,
or "plin plin" and "plon plon"...It would be a concert.
"Maestro Vessicchio conducts".
(Applause)
What I don't like is that show women,
the ones who have achieved success,
– and you don't understand why,I think it's due to two gifts,
the one in front and the one in the back –
when they're interviewed by journalistsoften answer like this.
Journalist asks:"How did you achieve success?"
"I've paid my dues".
Well, I'd like to tell something.
If only there were one of those women
– because we are not all like them;a part is like this,
the other... –one of them who says:
"How did I achieve success?I rolled from a bed sheet to another,
until I've fallen into the right one.
How did I achieve success?I gave my pussy away".
It would be really innovative,TED my foot!
"I gave my pussy away,I gave it away "sans frontières,"
I gave it away like corn
to pidgeons in Piazza San Marco,
like water cases to refugees.
You know, like ANAS, spreadingsalt on streets during winter,
like this, without even checking.There was a traffic down there,
like Piazzetta of Capri in mid-August.
If I had to give it away, I used to do iteven twice, as a precaution".
Or when journalists ask thosenice questions like:
"What is your worst flaw?"
Because journalists ask certain questions...
And their expression become like the MonaLisa as she took a purge...
"My worst flaw? I love licking icing sugar on donuts.
My worst flaw?I still believe too much in friendship".
Would you believe?! Why is there no onewho says: "My worst flaw?
I snort. I snort coke,you don't know how much.
(Applause)
I fuck handcuffed to a dobermann
and I get tied to the bed headwith bicycle brake wires.
At lunchtime I'm not satisfied untilI finish a two-liters bottle of wine
and at Christmas I dress as an altar boy
and I make out with my uncle,which is a secular deacon.
One who says so.
There is also another moment inwhich woman is particularly hypocritical,
that's when she rebuilt.
Plastic surgery has become popular,hasn't it?
But there is no one who says it.Far from it.
And you see one who was 50 years oldand a week later she's 30.
That's impossible!
She had Louis Vuitton bags under her eyes,
and the day after she's smoothlike a skating rink.
She was corduroy,then she is a nonstick pan.
Her eyelids were so droopingyou needed a roller blind to lift them up,
the day after she arriveswith Frankenstein's eyeballs.
And then, again, if a journalist asks:
"What is the secretfor such an eternal youth,
for such a blooming skin?"
They, instead of answering:"Well, I've had some work done,
hyaluronic"... no. "The secret of my youthof such a blooming skin?
An healthy lifestyle,and some dietary supplement".
Well... Fuck you.
(Applause)
Healthy lifestyle?What healthy lifestyle?!
Bear with me, the day beforeyou had a nose like Depardieu,
like a sandwich, like a newborn's bottom.
and the day after you have it upwards pointing like the Eiffel Tower,
and that's for the healthy lifestyle?
Is this the Game of the goose,where I am the goose?
Do I have dumb written on my forehead?
Or the lips."And what about these gorgeous lips?"
These lips... They can't even speak,they look like camels.
"For these lips I eat a lot of bran breadsticks"
I've heard it with my own ears.Let me get this straight,
I live a healthy lifestyle too,
and yet I have so many wrinklesthat I look like Panama Canal.
This wrinkle here in the middle,looks like a machete stroke, practically.
We have it, me, la Fornero,
then, last Sunday I've noticed thatLigabue has this wrinkle too, haven't you?
Astounding, but true.Or they rebuilt their boobs.
The day before they're flat,flat like trays.
You can fax them.
What will you do, will you catch a plane?No, no. I'll go via fax.
And the day after they haveinflated helium boobs.
What about for once telling the truth?The normal truth and say: "Yes,
I've been getting hyaluronic, botox,
I used to feel like crap, so I've found this solution.
No, because than they say to women:
"What really matters is not being beautifuloutside, but being beautiful inside.
Not at all! Inside where?In your colon?
No, it's also importantto be good-looking.
For men it is easier,not for women.
Sometimes I wish I woke up in the morning and I had,
I don't know, the butt of Penelope Cruz,the body of Cameron Diaz,
and the boobs of Cucinotta.
Then I look at myself and I havethe butt like this, like Bruno Vespa,
the body of Mentanaand the boobs of Giacobbo.
Than they say: "No, it's notimportant to be beautiful".
Let's be clear: it's importantto be beautiful, it's cool.
who has this fortune has to use it,it's a convenience, in many little things.
For example, when you have a flat tire,
if you're beautiful you canget back home with clean hands;
not if you're ugly, in that case you haveto get your hands dirty.
If you fall on the street, if you'rebeatiful someone will lift you up,
if you're ugly they will make a videoand put it on Youtube.
Have you got it? (Applause)
You have to be cool. Not beautiful, cool.
Cool, cool. That means being ableto do whatever you want,
to squeeze yourself, to pull out,to find out
which are the light bulbs you haveinside yourself and turn them on.
It's not easy but it's what we have to do.
And we also have to deal with our past,
in the end we've got in, isn't it?
We have to be good wives,good partners,
good friends, good mothers.
At a previous time we also had to stay virgin until marriage,
with our Iolanda still in cellophane.
Try to do it now...Fortunately is not like this anymore.
Some women still care for it,it's a choice
which makes our duty as dispensers harder
and busier, but it's OK.
I tell it to those which haven't yet...
Looking at you I don't think so,
but preserving it isn't worth it,in my opinion,
because it's like when you pay founds into a bank,
like Italian Treasury Bonds:you leave them there and in the end
your interest is "0,..."it take no advantage, it depreciates,
it expires, like the Lira,it is not like a bottle of Barbera,
that you leave there, pour it two or threeyears later and it's a pleasure.
Or like toma cheesewhich gets better over time.
It's more like truffle,that if you leave aside
and after a while if you don't eat it...
Then, for men too,where's the satisfaction
in making love for the first time
with a woman who have never made love,with a virgin?
It's an effort, like the first ones who gave
the first pick-axe strokefor making the Mont Blanc Tunnel.
Who enjoys it more,the ones who dig the tunnel,
or the ones who go skiingto and from Chamonix?
Just saying... It's complicated,it's also tiring.
Who makes the less effort?
The one who rides the streetalready done by others.
Making love with a womanfor the first time
is like going to Rinascenteduring the season sale:
you're cramped and you feel like chocking.
But women still find it difficult.
Especially when...Oh, it seems to me as I have Fazio here,
I really have to finish...I can't go on...
No, well, I have to end.I'm not done yet, I'll go on.
I'd like to say two more things.
My grandma told me often,
and I used to think:
"granny, why you teaching me thesehorrible things!"
and that's it: for making a couple last, she said,
for making a marriage last,
you need to bite garlicand say it is sweet.
And I used to say:"It's such an horrible teaching, grandma!"
Instead, as time passes, I'm now 49
and I'm with a silly mansince a whole life,
I've realized it is just like that.
Sometimes, in order to make a couple last,
not just loving couples,but also couples of colleagues,
you need to bite garlic,waiting for the storm to pass
and don't keep being always a pain in the neck,
because every fire, Neapolitans say,turns into ash.
The other thing - and it has been saidto me by my friend Ida
who is as old as penicillin -
she says that you should nevermiss any opportunity,
because time passesand then you have no more time.
Your butt becomes dry as an almond biscuit
and it is not useful anymore.And that in love
you should also be easily satisfied,
that doesn't mean to give up:making do with what you have.
And that in men - she says -at a certain age
nothing become hard anymore,except for their aorta.
Last, I'd like to tell you something
happened a short time ago
at "Che tempo che fa".Dario Fo and Franca Rame were guest hosts
and I remember that Franca Ramesaid something wonderful.
She said: "I don't know whetherI will die before Dario.
What I know is that I will makesomebody write on his grave
this sentence: How alive he was,when he was alive".
And I want to wish it to all of you.To be alive, when you're alive.
(Applause)
Actress, Host, Author Luciana Littizzetto is likeable, impertinent and talented. Every Sunday evening, as soon as she appears on Fabio Fazio's programme Che tempo che fa the ratings soar. Her sketches are the best of what can be watched on television today. Luciana Littizzetto is the real star of television, and of show business in general. Born in Turin, she has a degree in literature and a piano diploma from a conservatory. For nine years she taught music in high schools, at the same time starting to enter the world of entertainment as a dubber and scriptwriter. As well as television, she's also popular in the cinema (her role as the Talking Cricket in Pinocchio is famous) and as a book author. The success of the latest Sanremo Festival has immortalised her as one of the best show business personalities. In 2007 Luciana Littizzetto was awarded the prestigious De Sica Prize by the President of the Republic, Giorgio Napolitano, which is reserved for personalities currently in the spotlight in the world of entertainment and culture. Her funniness is never vulgar, but often mocks the powerful. A sense of humour that makes you laugh, but also sets you thinking. In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)